Thursday, November 10, 2011

"Can we talk about your pubic hair AFTER dinner? Please?"

Yes.  Those are the words I actually uttered at dinner last night with my three heathens.  They are 10, 9, and 5 years old.  My 10yo is in 5th grade and learning about puberty in school.  She brought it up at dinner and the topics just spun out of control.  Some gems overheard at our table tonight...

"My penis is always so hard in the morning.  I have to push it down just to get it to pee!" ~ 9yo

"Mom - I yike to make my penis big sometimes." ~ 5yo

"I learned that to make a baby, the egg and sperm meet in, um, Uranus?" ~ 10yo
"I think you mean 'uterus' hun." ~ Me
"Yeah yeah, uterus." ~ 10yo

"The hair by my weiner is called pubic hair?  Really?  Cuz I have some...look!!"  ~ 9yo
"Nonononononono...I believe you, I swear!  Sit down and eat your pancakes!" ~ Me

"If my penis gets hard when I wake up in the morning because I have to pee, why isn't it always hard all day?" ~ 9yo

You might think this is well you should.  However, along with it being funny, I think it's wonderful.  Wonderful that my children will ask me about anything regardless if it embarasses them.  There were moments when I had to stifle a laugh because I didn't want them to blush (but c'mon, Uranus?  If she only knew!!)

My goal with this conversation was to educate my kids on their bodies and lay the groundwork for future conversations that may be difficult for them to approach.  One thing I am adamant about is using the correct terminology for their body parts when having these conversations.  Yes my boys call their penises "weiners" and I've referred to my own abyss as my lady garden of love ( but not when speaking to my kids though...that's just weird).  However, when talking and educating them, it's penis, vagina, etc.  I did throw in a Uranus joke at one point because I am secretly a 12 year old boy trapped in a 34 year old woman's body and that shit is funny.

I do struggle with one area of the puberty topic - body issues.  I have body issues, like most people.  I'm hoping to curb a little of that by being honest and frank with my daughter as she gets older.  She's already bitching about her thighs which just breaks my heart.  I can talk about pubes with my kids without batting an eye but I struggle to find the right words to make my daughter feel confident in herself.  It's a learning experience and I am learning something new every day.  All I can do is show her that she is beautiful regardless of what she thinks and that physical beauty is only a tiny part of the entire package.  I'm going to throw out that old cliche' - "It's on the inside that what counts".

Unless it's syphillis.  Then fuck off.

~ S

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Welcome to "WTF Wednesday"!

For our first installment of WTF Wednesday, I'd like to introduce you to Linda Harvey. Linda is a "radio personality" and part of a group called Mission America whose mission seems to be spreading the word that "OH MY GOD, THE GAYS ARE COMING AND THEY ARE AFTER YOUR KIDS!!!"

A couple of weeks ago, dear, misguided Linda advised her listeners to avoid letting gay healthcare workers be involved in the care of their children. Seems she thinks that a rainbow lapel pin is somehow going to turn your child into a gay, God-less heathen and you will instantly be swallowed into the fiery pits of hell for being such a horrible parent. Or something like that. She suggested filing a letter with your pediatrician that says, "Gay people scare me and I want to pass my fear and ignorance onto my children, so please keep the queers away from Little Billy." Or something like that. It's okay if it's an emergency she says. If it's a matter of life and death, the gays get a pass which is mighty generous of her, don't you think?

This week, she's on a new mission. She wants people to oppose anti-bullying legislation because she thinks it will indoctrinate the youth of America. She may have a point. If we don't let our children make fun of and ostracize people who are different than them, how will they feel superior? And how else will the homosexual kid know he doesn't deserve to be treated with dignity or respect? Forget the fact suicide is the third leading cause of death among teens, or that there is an undeniable link between kids who try to kill themselves (or do) and bullying. Never mind that gay teens get bullied two to three times as much as straight kids. Those are just silly facts getting in the way! Parents have an obligation to keep up the "dreaded "climate of hate"" (her words and scare quotes) because as any thinking individual knows, once a kid learns it's not okay to treat someone else like shit, they will automatically start loving Lady Gaga and ask for a subscription to The Advocate.

In all seriousness though, what the fuck? You hate gay people, we get it. Deny it all you want, quote the Bible, say it's about "protecting" kids, but at the end of the day, this sort of bullshit is nothing more than hate-mongering. If I had a sick child, I would want someone good at their job caring for them. How a parent could be concerned about someone who *might* be gay taking care of their sick kid boggles my mind. What are your priorities, exactly?

Her drivel about anti-bullying programs being, "a carte blanche for sexual-deviance promotion" is nauseating, sad and terribly ignorant. News flash: no one is trying to turn your kids gay. I promise. What we ARE doing is trying to protect innocent kids from being bullied to the point that they try to hurt themselves. Forgive me if I'm mistaken (because I AM a God-less heathen) but isn't there a guy in the Bible she hides behind who said bullying is unacceptable? Wasn't his name Jesus?


Monday, November 7, 2011

Grilled Cheesus hates us.

Sarah here...

My laptop got herpes a few weeks ago and I finally got it fixed.  However, I've lost some things and don't realize it until I need them.

Like tonight.  When I went to edit recordings from our 2nd, 3rd, and 4th podcasts. 


All those fuckers are GONE.  My head is going to explode!!!  This must be the Podcasts' Gods telling us to just give it up already.  That Sarah isn't technie enough to edit podcasts to make them sound smooth.  That we should stick to what we know for now...posting inappropriate shit on the internet.



Friday, October 14, 2011


Nic and I...suck.

We start this blog, hit it for a bit, then disappear for a month.  We are so sorry!  Nic and I are meeting this weekend to plan our next podcast and our upcoming blog content.  Until then we will try to throw some interesting shit on the blog to keep it going.  I put randon shit on my facebook all the time...I need to do it here instead. 



Friday, September 16, 2011

Debut podcast!

Our debut podcast in which we learn about Sarah's unfortunate mishap after taking her youngest to the park, the fact that one of us has an innate fear of microphones, a little too much about feeders and that our bio wasn't lying, we really do laugh quite a bit, and Nic really does snort.


Podcast Powered By Podbean

Special thanks to The Dave (Nic's awesome and totally not stupid brother) for the mad production skills, for use of their studio, The Hippie for recording our ridiculousness, and to anyone who actually listens to this thing. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011


There was a big giant blackout in So Cal Thursday night. Seems some tool in Yuma pulled the wrong thing. (Which sounds like a bad ending to a date, but that's a story for another time.) We had to amuse ourselves with no electricity for 10 hours without getting all shooty/stabby/rioty. It was touch and go for a while. And I'm only talking about my house.

It may not be much of an emergency situation to people in the Midwest or south where power outages are more common but here in San Diego, you would have thought the world was ending. People on the radio were saying things like "apocalypse" and "end times" (I'm not joking).

First up was a trip to the grocery store. Our home is almost completely unprepared for emergencies. I say "almost" because I had plenty of alcohol and cigarettes and knew where I had stashed the jumbo bag of tea lights. Food was a completely different story. So we spent about 30 minutes wandering around the dimly-lit store asking each other what kind of stuff we should get. SPAM? Tuna? Powdered milk? We ended up $116 poorer with many cans of stuff that we would not normally eat. And more whiskey.

I realized during our little foray into darkness how dependent on electricity we are for entertainment around here. It's just not something I tend to think much about, possibly because I would have to admit that I have a problem. (Hi, my name is Nic and I'm an internet addict.) But it's kind of fun to be unplugged for a bit. We swam, barbecued, played games and had actual conversations that were not about what was on television or the fact that the boys hate the music I put on.

I did have to put my foot down when they started coming up with other activities. Looting and playing outlet roulette with metal knives until power was restored seemed like bad ideas.

All in all, it was almost fun. Like camping but with less dirt. We learned a few valuable things, too.

The Hippie: "I learned that in a situation like that, there are no other people I'd rather be with. And to make sure the van has gas."

The Dave, well, he's sleeping, but the fact that the first thing I heard at 2:40 when power was restored was, "OH SWEET JESUS!!" means he learned that he really, really likes his air conditioner.

I learned that I can actually survive without my laptop as long as my smartphone is charged.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

*** Sarah Does San Diego ***

Because I know how reading long posts about someone's vacation can make you want to stab your eye with a rusty fork and fill the socket with rubbing alcohol, I'll sum this trip up in a few sentences and photos...

Friday Night - Flight to San Diego was delayed an hour.  Had my dinner on the plane.  Thank God we stopped at In-N-Out Burger on the way to Nic's from the airport.

Got off the plane in San Diego and after grabbing my luggage,
THIS walks in to greet me...

Pardon the blurry but you really need to see this shit up close!

Friday night consisted of us sitting on the patio, drinking beer,
and laughing our asses off.

I went to bed with my snuggle buddy, Baby Lennon, and luckily woke up the next morning before Nic blared Justin Bieber's bullshit throughout the house.

Baby Lennon, aka Bitch Tits

Nic showed off her Martha Stewart skills and made a kickass breakfast.
(Excellent work on incorporating protein, Nic!)

Nic can kick Martha's ass in a penis pancake contest!

Nic and I decided to go thrifting.  We really love our new dresses. 
Can you tell?

After thrifting, we filled our bellies with Chipotle,
then got a wild hair up our asses and got our noses pierced!

Yeah I know, you can't see the piercings well.  Just pretend cuz they really are there!

I learned not to announce you have to take a shit while at Nic's house, or you will walk out of the bathroom and see this hanging across the doorway...

Other things that happened that I don't have pictures of...

~ Waking up Sunday morning to the Macarena blaring throughout the house ~
~ Baby Lennon farting on me...more than once.  Cat farts smell horrible!! ~
~ Sarah and Nic recording their first podcast. ~
~ Nic's multiple snorts throughout the weekend from laughing too hard. ~
~ Sarah and Nic fertilizing the yard on the side of the house ~
~ The Hippie being EXTREMELY patient & sweet the entire time I was there ~

After Nic and The Hippie dropped me off at the airport and after many hugs and "I love yous", I made it to the line for security.  As I reached in to my carry on bag for something, I found a little note tucked in the side pocked written by the one and only Nic...

I love you too, stupid wench.

The trip was amazing, too short, and absolutely full of laughter. 
I miss my best friend immensely and can't wait to see her ugly mug
again in a few weeks!!!

~ Sarah ~